Hy Vee is Scary

Why I am scared of Hy Vee, the grocery "center" of our time:

It is way, fucking too bright in that place. Hy Vee is open 24/7 and is bright all the time. It is always day in this place, which makes it difficult to re-enter the reality of darkness if you dare to enter the Hy Vee at night.

Once, there was an orchestra in Hy Vee. I'm not kidding and I was not high. It was a Saturday morning and there was not only an orchestra, but triple the number of retirees peddling free samples. I do not know the reason for having an orchestra in Hy Vee that morning, but I know it did nothing to negate my fear of the place and the classical music they chose to play was the kind that makes me nervous, thereby causing me to buy even more useless, unrelated food products than usual. I don't think I've ever left Hy Vee with items that actually could be combined for a meal.

Back to the sample peddlers: Hy Vee has a high quota for free samples. Once, my kids had Hy Vee samples for lunch. We simply walked around the store from sample to sample, chowing down. We tried to coordinate so dessert items were last, but really, let's leave form for those shopping at Dillon's or say, Food For Less. At first, we acted interested as the older women in full cake, make-up told us of the sale on whatever item we were testing, but by the end, we weren't even taking the coupons. Samples, though once filling, also make me scared. Grocery stores are for food purchasing; for going home and trying out a new recipe- not for eating prepared food as you shop. Plus, it really is damaging to the impulse food buying market; if I'm full, I'm less likely to buy a loads of crap I don't really need.

Hy Vee is for rich people. They do have many choices of Salsa, but what they call a sale is still higher than the regular price at our local (I repeat, LOCAL) warehouse grocer, Checkers. At Checkers, they drive the forklift around and make their own low-budget commercials. It's a fun trip. Hy Vee shoppers are subsidizing orchestras- it's out of my league.


Finally, I am scared of Hy Vee because all the people who work there, own the place. Yes. The bagger, aged 16, is an owner. Apparently, there is also a helpful smile in every aisle. I don't need or want a helpful smile, I like to dig through the shelves by myself and take 15 minutes to decide on kidney or Mexican beans for my chili. I'm frightened that with so many owners, the place is some sort of cult and that may be the reason for it being so well lit; so they can keep eyes on everyone in there. Also they are probably sending subliminal messages through the stitching on their bright, red aprons.

I am not a skeptic. I am not a freak. I am scared of Hy Vee.

I also don't like that you can get your dry cleaning done in there. Apparently I'm not into convenience. I think it is that I like the idea of making my way through town to all the haunts at which I have developed relationships with actual people. Not robots, whose smiles reflect the intense light.